Stand by your woman!

A young man of 16 escorted his girlfriend to her visit.

He had come to the appointment along with her parents to discuss the decision to terminate the pregnancy.

Her parents were angry at the both of them but because they were caring and considerate, they curtailed their personal feelings and allowed the two young lovers to make the decision themselves. Their disappointment though was palpable.

The girl spoke first. She wanted the procedure as she felt she was too young to be a parent. Both her mother and father readily agreed.

While his girlfriend and her parents spoke, his eyes were turned downwards to the floor. He fidgeted and looked embarrassed and nervous. He looked pale and weak. I thought he was going to vomit or pass out.

He spoke last. As he spoke he looked at his girlfriend and at her parents.

He wanted to know if it would hurt and how long would it hurt for.

He was relieved to know that the pain, if any, was going to be short lived…

After a few tense moments of quiet…he softly said, looking at his girlfriend….”I am so sorry”…

The procedure was done and there were no problems…

About half hour later, when the procedure was completed and the patient was ready to go home, I glanced at the 3 of them waiting at the lobby.
I saw the young man sitting uncomfortably close to the patient’s parents whose body language and lack of interaction suggested a deep disappointment and rejection of him.

He must have felt that just as I did watching them.

Yet he was there, he was with them, knowing that they were mad at him. He was there in spite of his fear and his discomfort.

When they were brought back to the recovery area and were reassured that everything had gone well and that she was ready to go home, they felt relieved.

As they were leaving, the young boy looked at me with wet eyes and softly said “thank you”.

I thought a lot about this young boy since then. What a MAN!

I have witnessed too many times the disappointment and the abandonment women feel when they come alone or with a friend to their appointments.

Their boyfriends or significant others are not with them…They may call to make the appointment, they may pay for the procedure, but they are not there!

Some completely disappear when faced with the news.
Some deny responsibility and some may blame others for their girlfriend’s predicament, adding insult to injury.

Some are violent and abusive.

Few others, adults, come, stay and care.

But to see a young boy of 16, admit responsibility, weather the parental storm with dignity and courage, love his girlfriend and empathize with her for her pain, express gratitude and thanks at her well being…..well….. that is ONE RARE MAN!!

I didn’t ask his name out of concern for accentuating his shame and agony.

But I will not forget him for all the great virtues he possessed at such young age.
What a great brave heart must be beating in his chest!
What an honorable man he already is…
What courage in the face of adversity he showed…

How grateful I felt to have met him….

This 16 year old man became the neutralizing antidote to my perennial cynicism about the men I don’t meet because they fail to show up and be counted.

It is in moments like these where a man’s character is measured. It is in adversity that one can assess the magnitude of one’s courage and decency.

I hope that the parents forgave him for placing his girlfriend in such a predicament…

I hope that someone praised him for his dignity and honor.

And if not….

Allow me…

Thank you for standing by your girlfriend!
Thank you for caring for her well being!
Thank you for being such a decent man!!!!

A polite, soft spoken 38 year old woman came to our office hoping that she had a miscarriage.

A month prior to her office visit she was seen at a local emergency room with bleeding. She was told she was carrying twins.

Her bleeding continued on and off for the next month. Her pregnancy symptoms though had not gone away as she had hoped.

During her visit, with her eyes lowered, she explained that she was a single mom of a 9 year old girl with severe developmental delays. She had to stay at home to care for this very sick child as she had no extended family. She was not able to trust anyone else and she was not able to seek work.

The boyfriend who fathered this new twin gestation was inconsistent in his affections and support.

She could not afford to raise the twins and take care of her other child alone. Her life was already impossible.

She had hoped that nature would have recognized her exhaustion and her depression and would have naturally ended the twin gestation in a miscarriage. This is how she had interpreted the bleeding. She had hoped that nature would have helped her. Yet, that was not the case.

After deliberating for a few days, she called the National Abortion Federation with a request for financial assistance, which they promptly provided. She wanted to have a pregnancy termination.

There was a solemn silence in the operating room during the procedure.

I witnessed a tactful distance from the support staff. The ultrasound technician who was monitoring the safe placement of the instruments looked away during the procedure. My surgical assistant kept busy with the instruments straightening them as she has never done before.

The patient was comfortably sedated yet crying quiet tears as she tried to peek at the ultrasound screen.

I performed the surgery feeling powerful mixed emotions….

I was very sad for the twins who would not be in this life….

I was proud of my staff for their committed care even though their conscience would not bear the sight of the procedure….

I felt the pain of this patient whose heart was crying for the loss of these two lives, yet marvelling at the strength of her commitment to her sick daughter.

On my way home late at night, I had tears too. I was touched by the courage of choice.

I was thinking about this patient who was on her way home that evening. She was going home to a severely disabled child. There would be no boyfriend to hug her and comfort her. There would be no family members with whom to share dinner.

In the quiet of her evening hours she would go over the events of the day and probably cry herself to sleep wondering if hope and love would be in her life….

As I approached home, I had a few thoughts that filled my heart with gentle wonder:

Women are very strong, very courageous and very beautiful human beings. They are capable of finding strength to keep their love and their commitments in the face of daunting adversity and crippling loneliness.

They face their conscience yet forgive, live, hope and love…

Women are miracles…………

It takes courage to choose our lives:

Everything about ending a pregnancy is difficult.

Everything about this decision requires the practice of one major virtue.

It requires the practice of courage.

Terminating a pregnancy is a courageous act.

It takes courage to admit the failure of our birth control choice and even more courage to face the consequences of such failure.

It takes courage to admit that we are not ready to take on the responsibility of parenting a child.

It takes courage to find ourselves in the office of a stranger ..a doctor we have never met before… and admit our reluctant wishes all along fearing their judgment, fearing the physical pain of the procedure and fearing how we will survive the inner discussion with our conscience.

The decision to terminate a pregnancy often isolates us.

We may not go to family or friends fearing their disapproval.

We keep our dilemmas and anguish hidden and in doing so we ask from our heart to bear a burden often heavier than we ever imagined.

Somehow, in spite of our fears and our desperation, in spite of our doubts and our isolation, we emerge with conviction that we must act. We must alter the course of our biology, we must intervene, we must act in courage…

Courage indeed!

As a doctor providing abortion care, I am a willing witness to these acts of courage being often touched by the actions and thoughts of the women who seek our help.

I , being a woman myself, understand the call to courage quite well, quite personally.

It is in this context that i find my commitment renewed daily.

I therefore, gently pledge to hold out a helping hand, a loving heart, an open mind, a safe harbor where courageous women will find a sanctuary to choose for themselves the life they wish.